don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I am never drinking with the goths again.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
Randomize
