i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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