that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize