Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
