just tell him i said nine months
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
operation harelip BJ is a go
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
