I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
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