just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Randomize
