I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
