she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
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