I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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