mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
