If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
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