Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
