On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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