Just mADE A PArabola og urine
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
