i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
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