Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Randomize
