I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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