Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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