im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Randomize
