is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
