Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
