awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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