**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
