as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
