I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Randomize
