I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
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