Umm I'm too high to move.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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