I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
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