Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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