dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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