Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
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