So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
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