never play flip cup with pint glasses
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Can I color on your dick again?
We have so much sex to catch up on
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Randomize
