Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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