: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Randomize
