Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Randomize
