It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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