i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
