I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
