I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
