I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
