you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
