he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Randomize
