You smell like stripper and shame
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
