I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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