Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
