Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
