I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Randomize
