There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
