i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
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