Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
