2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
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