I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
