How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
foreskin is a definite game changer
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
All I want is dick and wine.
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