Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
