Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
she looked like the before picture.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Randomize
