remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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