It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
We named our party play list daddy issues
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
