My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
