I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Randomize
