Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
