I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
