Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
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