oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
