he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
