im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize